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Thanks for being here.

NY or Vancouver or Boston

If it'd be the moon that I'm traveling to, I'd go gladly on account that my heart's set on going.

Happy :D

I wasn't very well for the last couple weeks (probably a month now?) but now I'm quite over it. It's about being happy despite so many bad things up in my face all the time. I know this is a very low point in my life and there's been many days where I've just felt my heart was paralyzed, or some days were just a blur because I just couldn't take it, but damn it, I get it now!!

The sweetest thing was having my parents write me letters (they took turns haha) and left it on my desk. I don't think I could have quite gotten through this tough time as well if my family wasn't here supporting me and taking care of me.

I get all of it now - loved and lost, letting go, and to be happy on my own. I'm not bitter about it anymore or sad or angry, I'm just happy that I'm happy.

As soon as exams are done, I am going to schedule myself for a holiday with my siblings (either to the West coast or the south). And I'm going to shop for a car. And dancing classes, then legal courses. I'm just contemplating if I should move out of Toronto and either move to the US - New York/Vancouver (Calgary is a possibility but it doesn't seem like too much of a possibility anymore).

Now I have to clean up three years of stuff haha, which is a lot of work in itself. Always finding some thing here and there even when I thought all the cleaning up is done.

Living and Learning

I learned that my heart can take me to the most wonderful places, but another person's heart can't really mean well for me. When I have the heart, another person's deceit can quickly try and take that over. I have become even more protective of myself after everything I have been through. It was a lesson that got harder and harder to learn, but hey, I learned it.

In my case, I have given my best shot at everything in life, I lived for the moment yet I planned what I could control and could not control, I treated everyone the way they treated me, for my whole life. It was always a motto that I abided by early on. I do regret on some bad choices though but I'll take note never to make those mistakes ever again. You reap what you sow. I just can't wait for karma haha.

I have an unbelievably strong spirit that is guiding me throughout all this. That strong spirit took years of making and believing.

On a completely different note, the snow fall today was really romantic. I just wanted to stand there and let it all fall on me. I really do enjoy rain or snow on days like this. I suppose it makes me feel like I too, can shed away my burdens and just let myself soar. Ha, the weirdest thing was seeing my ex who happened to be on the same bus. Thank goodness he sat in the back and I sat in the front. Saw an old friend too though on the same bus. (Yes, I know, me and my bus adventures haha)

Shopping

In about two hours yesterday, I spent nearly $300 on 5 pants, and 3 boots, among other small accessories. Next will be glasses, contacts, shirts, digital camera and party clothes.

Considering the pants are way too long for me, I asked my parents to help me amend them. Yes, I don't know how to sew. In return for my parents' help, they lectured me on how I am not a proper girl just because I don't know how to sew nicely, or I'm not a traditional girl blah blah.

Like I told my parents before, I absolutely am not a normal girl, I don't think nor do I act like one. Fitting myself into the roles of cutesy-dumbass, or mute-submissive just isn't me. I am really strong-headed, I know what I want and what I don't want, when I see something unacceptable, I make sure I don't become like that etc. Yes, I don't know how to sew but why do most parents want their daughters to be so submissive, or the words my parents and many Chinese parents use, "Able to fit in the kitchen, able to fit in the living room".

And apparently me being very hyper and not being too upset is kind of disturbing some friends who have known me for way too long, and seen me overcome many other problems. Ha, I suppose I have a stronger spirit than I thought. Anyways, letting go makes me feel better because I feel like I'm not stopping anyone, especially myself, from many things in life. I am, however, going to miss the kids so much.

My birthday's coming up, and I'm thinking how I want to spend it. Probably want to go to a jam, like Rocellie suggested. I am going to have a glorious feat on my birthday, even though it's really just two weeks away haha. And again, my birthday falls on a weekday, what else is new? (Guess I'll be seeing you on my birthday, Fareeda, since I'm working that day haha)

Wasting paper

I was trying to print something on 1 of the color printer that some of us share at the office, and I had to wait for about 20 minutes because someone ignorant decided to print out 236 pages of some company's financial statements. While this is somewhat normal, the part of it not was that someone didn't even try to see if the printer had any paper, before printing the 236 pages again, just because he/she thought the printer was jammed. I mean, seriously just read what it says on the printer screen. If the printer says LOAD PAPER, go get paper and load it into the printer. Pressing the PRINT button on your screen multiple times will not get you your papers until you load paper. The person basically wasted about 300 pages with some pages that were already printed. I just don't understand how people can be so damn lazy as to get paper to feed it onto the printer, and then pick up their handouts.

So being ruthless as I am sometimes, I canceled the person's print job three times since they were printing the same thing over and over again. Fed the color printer with paper and got my own printouts.

I am pretty civilized in the office and I usually don't mind feeding the printers with paper if I'm on the way, but sometimes I just don't understand how people can be so damn stupid. I never get involved in office politics unless people are holding up the printer with the same printouts multiple times, and wasting paper. That's just about the only thing that I vent about. Sometimes I use the back side of any papers that are left over, provided they don't carry any confidential data.

Bottom line, just don't waste paper. It really is a waste. I think there should be some sort of by-law or even policies about the number of papers you can buy in a given time.

Coming through the Internet

Why do people like to hide their emotions or their passions so much? Isn't it stifling to just close or hide that part of you off? People are not passionate about anything sometimes. When I meet or know people like that, it's so boring because nothing moves them, and essentially, the conversation soon ends on a boring note. But then you start talking to them via the MSN Messenger, and suddenly so many facades come out and then you develop this bond, over the INTERNET!! Which is pretty lousy, no offense! So it's very safe to say that they are socially inept, and should really start to learn how to socialize with people in person.

I mean there are so few people that I know of who are passionate about something and can carry good conversation (that actually has substance), and they are enticing. I don't know about everything but when you hear or see passionate people talking, there's so much of this glow that I can't get enough of haha.

All I'm saying is, being passionate about something is the way to go, boys and girls.

Another near-perfect weekend

Friday - watched Titanic with Lee (the limited edition). Sob story, the usual haha. Was quite good. The history is really intriguing. Come to think of it, Kate Winslet is a really good actress.

Saturday - dinner with Andy and Sarah at Kama Restaurant which is on King and Simcoe. Classical Indian Cuisine. Was such a good dinner because it was my favorite style of food. Think I'll be going there to order my lunches from now on since it's so close to work :) [Gene and Eric, I must take you two there one day!] - Pictures are up on Imagestation.

Sunday - was supposed to go shopping with Gene but too tired, and my headache again. So, I studied and watched "Pursuit of Happy-ness"

Mmm, still thinking of the Indian feast I had yesterday.

Happy

Fareeda - You'll like this. Click on Chris Daughtry!

I have a lot on my plate that I'm kind of feeling overwhelmed. Finding a full-time job, doing my weekly readings, meeting up or catching up with old friends, trying to brush up my resume, work, school (I was chosen to be a notetaker for two courses, so I have to attend, not that I was planning on skipping) etc. I suppose the only way to not be overwhelmed is not to take on so many things, but I think each of them are really important. They are all a part of me, and if I one of them is out of balance, I don't end up feeling too great (which is what the past few months were like).

Somehow, even though I've been feeling overwhelmed for the past month, I've actually been getting more and more happy. I suppose it's the feeling of letting go of a lot of petty things that gets me this way. The other day, just a few steps before stepping into my work building, I was actually smiling even though it was snowing fiercely. It's been two years since I've done that. Just smiled to myself, and not because I remembered something sweet or funny. And then the month spiraled into smiling about the littlest things at work or school or people.

Hope this feeling last for awhile because being sad is just too tiring. Have to say that the insights I get from people around me are the best.

Another thing, this thing about full-time employment. I am so scared of not getting a full-time offer come May in either financial institutions, economics, development projects, developmental organizations etc. And I know I speak a few languages but I really don't think that's going to get me anywhere. Few people say that I'm in good shape but it's kinda looking dim, especially how a lot of the entry-level places are looking for people who have/currently taking Masters. And I don't think I want to pursue Masters until few years down the road. My real plan was to have a full-time job, and still acquire a Legal-related Diploma, and learning French, and taking dance classes. So I don't know....(sigh)

Don't think I want to get married now hahaha. I have too many things I want to do before settling down.

Road Rage

Thought I'd share this e-mail I received from Fareeda:

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

People

I know a lot of people don't share the same sentiment as me but I like my co-workers. It's not the same as when I was helping my parents manage the restaurant. I mean, at the restaurant, I'm coming from the perspective of managing people's tasks vs. now, being productive together, and complaining about it together.

But I think there's a lot of different qualities in these people I meet. I like people who are straight forward, maybe because I'm like that too. I just absolutely cannot stand people who beat around the bush, pretending etc. I find that the people I work with, or I talk to the most are the more straight forward people than the others, which explains why I confide in them more. And they're smart people, people I have a lot of respect towards. And they're passionate about things in life. Even though some of them lack office ethics.

I mean I come into the office and right away, we indulge in politics. How great is that? Ha, I know it's a heavy topic for some people, but the bottom line is seeing people being passionate, engaging in something passionate, it says a lot about their character.

Anyways, it's just enlightening and makes me giddy.

Hope you all have a great weekend! I'll post up some pictures as the weekend ends. Finally going to see some of you!

E-mails

I just spent an hour replying e-mails to some friends. Alan's being the longest. Right beside my laptop, I have these piles of books and notes waiting to be touched by me. Argh! I did nothing this weekend. Well, not nothing. Caught up on some sleep and still so tired. And pretty much finished my DS Lite game. At this point, some of you guys will be encouraging me to slack off and others will be shaking their head in disapproval, I can already picture it haha.

Lee was in Maryland over the weekend for a conference. I got him to buy a purse for me since my usual one was getting old. And his surprise to me was a pretty nice casual shirt from Banana Republic. Ha, so surprised that he had good taste, especially the purse :) But of course like any independent lady, I am not getting him to pay for anything when I am perfectly capable of it. HA!

So as a way to punish myself for being so bad over the weekend and for being a slacker, I will be catching up tonight. And have coffee for the rest of the day tomorrow. And totally prepared to bring as many snacks as I can. Fruit snacks. Yup, it's going to be a great day tomorrow! And a great upcoming weekend because I will be celebrating Lee's birthday, drinks with Kitty and Lisa and having winterlicious dinner with great people. Now what to get for the boy will be the headache. Anybody have ideas? (He doesn't read this blog anyway haha)

Have a good day at work/school, everyone! Be good!

Love and Music

After hearing this Chinese song on Lau's site, I suddenly got a little nostalgic over love in music. I'm usually not in great favor for Chinese (Cantonese) music mainly because I think the lyrics are pretty blech. But sometimes I hear a great Cantonese song and then I change my mind, until I come across bad music. And the cycle starts over. English songs are still the best.

Anyway, soulful songs make me sad. I know I have every reason to be happy sometimes and I am, but sometimes I just am not. One of the things songs get me sad is love itself, or the love that goes through every possible trials. Parental love, child love, romance love, friendship love etc. All the essential relationships in our life that we need to be able to learn to love and be loved.

I have never ever really lacked parental love and familial love and this is where I am very lucky. I am very close to my parents, despite some big differences here and there. I have gotten a lot closer to my siblings over the past few years. At the end of the day, we cannot picture life without each other. But I will hear some songs here and there in life that can spark an imagination where my family is not in the picture, and then that can easily move me to tears. At the end of the day, I wish to have my family with me at every major turn of events that happen in my life, despite the discrepancies of old age and diseases. Maybe it's childish of me to hope for my family to be with me throughout my life but when it comes to loving, you love with all you have and hold on them (physically) as much as possible. Often times, there's always a couple songs that brings the family together for just a few moments, because everyone finds a way to hum or sing with each other.

Love in a friendship, I think, is the most vulnerable. It disappears just as quickly as the friendship develops. But there are always certain friendships that get away, and you still love them, even if you deny it. The things you went through together just haunts you everywhere in life. Often times, a song just reminds you over and over the bond that brought the friendship together or the song that drove it away.

When it comes to loving someone romantically, there is something really magical about songs that elevate our emotions. This is certainly true of my past, as well as my present. Loving someone and being loved, in the perfect timing; songs just bring them together, creating this harmony with love, time and words that describe it all.

Tonight, I just feel like listening to some soulful songs and mesmerize my soul with the melody and the lyrics. Everything about love is described better with songs.

Please excuse my heavy entry. I'm in my reflection mode, sparked by meaningful conversations with a few people this week. I do recommend you guys to listen to Rascal Flatts - What hurts the Most.

Decisions....

I got selected for a position of Youth Service Officer by Service Canada.

Problem is it's in Dawson Creek, BC and the position is really only for four months. End of April to End of August. Of course, all the travel and relocation costs will have to come out from my own pocket.

I am really tempted to try because it's a new city and I would love to explore it. The great thing about it is that 4 months is a perfect time for me to see if I like the place or not, and if I don't like it, I have a home back here in Toronto.

Yikes. I don't know what to do. I have to let them know by Friday.

I'm sure most of you know that I'm against people who take their religion to the extremist point of view and who do not have any capability in translating their religious scriptures right. I have had people who try and preach me things like this. Just take a look at this youtube video that I came across while procrastinating.

The part where she says is God hates pedophiles and that most pedophiles are homosexuals.
What the fuck! Get your damn facts straight. And the fact that she's an attorney. Argh!

Shirley Phelps - You do not understand how to preach Christianity the right way, and I'm surprised you know the Bible at all because obviously you don't.

What will my life be like without CSI Las Vegas and CSI Miami marathons, movies, DS Lite and preserved lemons? Insanity! Oh and Lee and Eugene! And all the food?! It's a good thing I'm still exercising. Not as well as Eric though. *bows my head in shame*

And two of my turtles died this past weekend. Sigh. One was a fighter who fought for 6 months to be alive without consuming anything, and the other turtle lived for a year, so at least the bigger turtle had a chance at living.

"Curse of the golden flower" was really very good. I had a completely different opinion from Lee and Eric but then I always do. Loved, loved the movie! I pretty much love all movies directed by Zhang Yi Mou.

"The girl next door" is quite alright. Kind of funny and kind of stupid. What can I say?

When passion calls...

I always found the perfect reason to not dive into it. There were other more "important" things that I needed to attend to and left it. Till it turned into envying others who were able to and did something about their passion.

Dancing.

I remember dancing with my siblings after dinner till it was time to sleep. We used to copy other moves and then somehow it inspired us to our own. We even used to do robot movements really well. While I've always had a vying crush on dancing, ballet was really what I wanted to do. As a young child who had a lot of imagination and a lot of emotions built up, I felt ballet could express all the things I'd been feeling. All the tension and desire bundled up into free movements of art. But it's too late to start ballet. So hip hop and contemporary jazz is what I want to do now. Maybe a little taste of ballroom dancing with Lee, like Eric suggested.

As soon as this semester ends, I'm going to enroll myself in some classes and take some legal-related courses. I can't wait to really start my life. Nothing about the laying back after work appeals to me.

Perfect Remedy

My nasty cold is over, after two weeks! Which is a personal record for me. The remedy? Preserved lemons, aged 10+ years. After witnessing my bad cold, Lee's mom gave me a jar of preserved lemons to drink with water and honey. Ha, do you know how happy I was to get lemons as my cold remedy? Anyways, it works. Quite well too!

On a whole different news, It just dawned on me that the zipper broke which means the relationship is over for me. Maybe other people will say that the zipper just wore down over the years, but things like that are very symbolic for me. Like the ring that suddenly disappeared, which eventually led to the falling out of another relationship. Ha, sometimes I think my head and my heart works in very mysterious ways, and my heart always takes precedence over my mind.